Finally, I post...

It's been a while since I wrote anything; things have been hectic here and life has taken over a lot more of my time; although I've still had an opportunity to browse other blogs, I've had nowhere near the time necessary to even consider writing.

Even now, I'm lacking a bit in inspiration; times have been hard. I've gone from being on top of the world with sales coming out of my ears, to struggling. Work owe me money, I'm generally skint, my clutch and fly wheel are dying, my other car needs a service and the aircon fixing, I've had to pay for my summer holiday, I'm supposed to be out this weekend, I've two weekend breaks coming up, and whichever way I turn there's a load of bills piling up. My fuel bill alone is £600 a month, for both cars. Gear is also hugely expensive, and I've had to try and chop the habit down – I had some good scores in London at good prices (especially right now), but out in the sticks where I am, 3 hours from London, people are charging a tenner a point. It's good gear, I did .2 in a hit the other day and I keeled over, waking a bit later, really confused, with my head resting on my steering wheel, drof imprinted into my forehead.

I've also been unable to walk, limping around on crutches, bent over like an old man with the cares of the word on his shoulders. It's been agonising, and it seems not only do I have one chronic knee problem, but it may have been joined by arthritis. I'm 31, for fuck's sake. Using crutches is shit; both my wrists were shattered when I came off a bike a few years back, my wrists are weak and trying to hop about is not easy. I drive a manual too, so I've been having to lift my leg on and off the pedals. Changing gear and braking has hurt like hell, and rush hour was no fun. I'm looking at trading cars though, I had my eye on either an Audi RS4 or a BMW 318/525, but I may take the auto version just in case this happens again.

Work's been a nightmare; I pride myself on being Top Salesman. I've hit a wall; everything I touch is turning to shit. Things haven't been like this for 2 years – I'm having to dig deep and work harder than ever, but it's not happening for me right now. Things have to change, and quick, or I'll not be able to afford my family and habit together. Everything costs more now – fuel and food especially, and I don't want to have to economise there – it's not luxurious now. I'm tempted to do my usual trick of buying a load of gear and getting a mate to flog it for a 50/50 split, but it's dangerous territory. Selling drugs is much more addictive than using them, and it can take over your life. I already have two lives to live at once, never mind a third!

On the flipside, my homelife is really good right now, my son is really happy at school, my wife is in a good mood with me and there are no bruises or tracks that are hugely visible on my arms right now (I've been hitting veins cleanly for once, and have had a streak of luck registering immediately!), so I can wear t-shirts without drawing undue attention. I've also rented myself a  campervan for the summer so I can bum round Cornwall for a few weeks with my family, relaxing and doing fuck all. Where the hell I'm going to find privacy to have a hit though, I don't know. I never do it in front of my wife or son; it's my thing, my secret, and all the more satisfying for it.

Now I've broached the topic a bit, there have been a fair few interesting discussions about drug legalisation here in the UK; I know where I sit, and always have, drugs should be legal. We should not be putting one of the world's largest industries in the hands of criminals; we should not be rewarding lowlife kids for selling gear; they make a lot of money, tax-free, with no real effort. It encourages violence, and because so many thick kids are involved, there are silly incidents. It suggests that learning, education and hard work are not necessary, and it puts obscene amounts of money into the hands of crooks.

I think the drug trade is despicable. I think massive harm is done to addicts and users through unscrupulous suppliers. I think there is a lot of money wasted by the government and police chasing people that don't matter. We allow criminality by refusing to legislate.

Thing is, once I believed drugs should be legal for these reasons, and because I was a dealer, and because I took a lot of drugs.  Now I don't; I see things through jaundiced eyes; drugs, and all that goes with them, are seedy. They're slightly squalid, and I am not a big fan of them. I'm finding more and more that I don't really approve of drugs, and I don't like most addicts; none of my friends are junkies. Still, I'm often to be found tying off my arm and having a hit. Just another contradiction. I'm driven, and in sales, but I take downers when coke is the drug of choice of most of my colleagues. Maybe I'm just a weirdo.

Some of the best nights of my life have been on drugs. But they've also been with great people. Now I understand that it wasn't just the  drugs, it was the fact that I was young, excited and with a group of friends. My friends have scattered around the world, and times have changed. I am no longer carefree; I have responsibilities. I'd love not to have, but, although I say that, I don't believe it. My responsibilities keep me grounded, but rather than being a burden borne upon my shoulders, crushing me,  they're roots tied to my legs, giving me stability and strength.

I don't really take drugs, other than heroin, which I take daily (unless I'm broke, when I substitute MSTs to prevent withdrawal getting any sort of grip), and have done for a couple of years. I like heroin, and I hate withdrawal. My habit isn't awful, maybe .6g a day, but being starved of gear does hurt. 

Drugs are harmful, no question, but we should be free to do what we like with our bodies. We should pay tax on it, and we should not have to hide; we should be in the daylight. Most people aren't bad, and the chaos is a consequence of the illegality.

One of the guys who was keen to keep prohibition in place was a writer from the News of the World. He used all the cliches, most notably the concerns about children being exposed to drugs. Doesn't he understand that his children will be exposed to drugs anyway, but from a source dripping with a dubious glamour. The illegality is attractive, as is the culture surrounding it; it's a dangerous place to be a tourist though, and even more dangerous a world to be a fully committed part of.

I don't want my son exposed to drugs, but he will be. I can just advise him, and hope that he doesn't find the same attraction to the neon, the mess, the unpredictability, the dirt, the hookers, the dealer, the dancers, the pimps,  the bars and clubs, the same appeal in reflecting on life, walking home just before the dawn, seeking beauty in sodium lights and drizzle as I did. Imagine how legality and official recognition would remove some of this appeal.

Also - money! I paid £!4,000 tax last year. Imagine how much that could be reduced if we paid VAT on our gear. Also, lower court, police and prison costs. Win/Win!

There's also the humanitarian aspect – bringing us into the light can only help those who need and want help get it. Also, so many people won't be criminalised, robbed and ripped off.

One point the News of the World journalist raised was that of drug tourists – I'd never considered this, and still haven't really, but would it really matter?

Positive thinking and a happy life.

Over the last two or three days I've been having a bit of a rethink, and trying to work out where I stand on a lot of things, but most particularly on myself, my desires and my achievements and ambitions. This has been prompted by a two day sports psychology and motivational seminar.

I was expecting it to be a load of vacuous nonsense. Surprisingly, it wasn't, it was very interesting and thought provoking. The main thrusts were about looking at things positively, not using any negative language and also taking absolute responsibility for our own actions and decisions. Some of you may be familiar with NA, and notice one or two similarities. If so, you're quite right; there are many similarities between the NA creed and the psychological techniques we were shown last week.

As you'll know, I have a major downer on NA; the concept is great, but the people are generally losers, and although personal responsibility is preached, it seems to be devolved to a poorly defined higher power. Anyway, my intention isn't to rail against NA, or those that benefit from it, but to talk about the initial impact this training course has had on me.

In my initial post here, I mentioned that I had a tendency to melancholy, I've known I have many good things in my life, but they've never seemed to matter. I've never really appreciated what I have, but have bemoaned what I don't have, and have lingered on my mistakes and compounded them. Every problem I've ever had has been of my own making, and I am now of the opinion that I was never properly depressed (for a brief period 5 years back I was on anti-depressant meds) but merely wasn't dealing with my problems properly. I've never lived in the moment and savoured it, it's always been "what's next, what's next?"

I've always accepted responsibilty for my actions, but have seldom accepted responsibility that my choices are my own, and not made for me by others. It's changed my outlook over night, and I have a very positive  view on my future right now.

Work, and money, is mine for the taking. I could very well own an Alfa Brera by the end of October, outright own it, not on credit.

My home life can be tidied up, and I can have what I want, if I simply have the courage to make some difficult decisions.

Simply, my attitude and approach to things will determine it's outcome; if I look for the positives rather than dwelling on the negatives, life will be easier to manage and I will have a higher chance of getting the outcome I want.

And the effect of this on my habit? Well, I'm 48 and a half hours clean! I've had a couple of MSTs (less than half what I usually take daily for joint pain). I'm not desperate for a hit. I'm lucky - I use about 2-3 bags a day, when I have dough, and although I do rattle and cluck, though I do get the sweats and the tiredness and the inability to function properly, I'm never completely debilitated. I get through it. I'm not trying to clean up though, I just didn't have any time free, I was busy with my family all weekend (which is much more important). However, before I hit the gym tonight I shall be making a detour to see a friend (well, more some idiot kid that doesn't really know what he's doing), picking up some heroin and putting it into my new favourite vein. And I am visualising a lovely hit, so that, using my newly acquired positive thinking, is what I shall expect to have.

I can't wait.

EDIT: I sat down earlier. I was warm, and relaxed, with an edge of anticipation. I unwrapped the little black bomb and tipped half of it into a steri-spoon. Tearing open a sachet, I added as little citric as I could get away with, shook the spoon and created a nice powdery blend of yellow and brown. I took a moment to look at it, added some water, began to cook and savoured the moment as the scent worked it's way into my nostrils, just as the liquid would soon work it's way into my veins and my soul. I filtered, flicked and readied myself for what was to come.

It took a while to find a vein, mine aren't prominent. I tapped and pumped, eventually locating my new favourite entry spot. Bang. In first time. Plunger out a little more after loosening the torniquet, just to make certain I'm still in (I don't want to miss!), then shoot through nice and quick.

Lovely job.

A brief history of me.

It's always tricky starting any new form of writing; I've contributed loads of little jokey stories to web forums before, and collected them on livejournal but having read a lot of Shane's writing, and that of some other, more serious bloggers I've been motivated to get off my arse and maybe try and contribute something to the world out there.

My life isn't really that remarkable; stable family background, stable relationship, child, job, but I have a history of drug abuse, dealing, rehab and all the things that go along with it. I still have a habit, which I am happy with but have to hide, and want to stop for that reason (so maybe I'm not that happy with it, after all).

I'm still prone to feeling bleak, lethargic, apathetic and melancholy, although the majority of my time is spent exhausted but bouncing off the walls with ideas and energy. Thing is, I'm rarely clear headed for more than a day or so; I am an addict, although my dependency is more psyschological than physical, despite my use of gear most days. Well, every day I have money, or my friend has money. If I have a day off, or if I'm not busy, then I tend to be smashed an hour after waking. I'm fortunate to have work and a family as they keep me as straight as it is possible for me to be.

This is hopefully going to be a way for me to recount some of the things I've experienced, explore them properly with a bit of hindsight and, you never know, maybe I'll be interesting enough for one or two people to want to hear what I have to say.