Caught by the fuzz (it's better than being swung round by the tits)

I so regularly have something illegal about my person that I regularly forget that I'm doing something that is not only prohibited, but is also regarded with contempt by many. I see nothing wrong or unusual about my use of or possession of heroin and, strange as it sounds, I just forget that I shouldn't mention it, should hide the marks and keep it on the low.

My habit, and the tools it requires, is entirely normal to me and doesn't interfere with my career or family life, so I forget what stigma it carries in the broader world.

I raise the point because over the weekend I got pulled over. When I first started to use I was very very careful about hiding gear up, stashing syringes or foil beneath carpets, all the usual paranoid precautions that keep you safe if you get stopped. I've been pulled many times, but this time I had works all over the place (I'd spilt the bag when I exchanged), I had bits of foil on the floor, lighters aplenty, and a few bags in my ashtray (I'm a non-smoker, I think it's a dirty habit). When I saw the blues go on behind me, I just thought "Shit. Here we go."

It was fine, in the end. I'd been on the phone, but my astonishingly lucky run with the police continued. Four times I've been pulled recently; once doing 90 on a 50 stretch of dual carriageway on my way to work at 4 am, twice on the phone, once as a result of cutting through a road at a prohibited time. Every time I've been carrying drugs. Twice the car has had a decent search, and they've missed it. Twice I haven't hidden my bits, I've been there for the taking, and they've not looked.

I've not even got a ticket. Nor have I been breathalysed. I think that this may be down to the way I dress and speak. I'm always tidy, and I also speak respectfully to the police. I see them as doing a job, and there is no cause to give them a hard time. When I've been nicked before (aggravated TWOC, fraud, theft, drink driving, assault), I've always been as helpful as possible, without dropping myself in the shit. I find it makes your life a lot easier, and ensures your tea isn't spat in.

It's taught me a valuable lesson though; I will always plot my bits up in future. Nor will I conspicuously break the law while driving. For a little while, anyway.

When I have been pulled, my life hangs by a thread - my family, home, job are all at risk of being destroyed. And for what?

Am I not a more useful person as I am, than as a prisoner or a homeless, jobless hustler, anxious to scrape by? I pay my bills, pay my taxes (51% of my income, inc N.I.), look after my family, maintain a job, do all the things a good citizen does, why should I be criminalised?

Why should anyone? Even those whose lives are chaotic, those who don't look after themselves, losing teeth and limbs, replacing them with abcesses and disease, sprinting from department store to crackhouse, stolen designer labels trailing in their wake - drug use is normally an effect of this sort of life, not a cause of it. What benefits does prohibition bring?

I guess we all know the arguments, but I absolutely fail to see any positives in the way things are right now.

NA - Praying or preying?

I was in a residential rehab at the end of 2008, trying to clean myself up from a nasty crack habit and also get myself out of the way of gear. I'd hit rock bottom, was on the verge of being jobless, I was actually homeless and I was completely out of control.

The rehab itself was pretty good in a lot of ways, but the thing I want to address is NA, and it's success or lack thereof. I know it's a good organisation, and that it does a great deal of good for a lot of people, but I've never really taken to it. During the rehab, we had twice daily group therapy sessions in which we could argue and explore the reason's for our using and how we could break the cycle. These were augmented by single counselling sessions, and by weekly NA and AA meetings.

I felt like a bit of a fraud when I went to rehab. I didn't consider that I needed to go (my office gave me an ultimatum), I considered myself out of place and I sure as hell didn't want to quit drugs. However, I was certain that my life couldn't carry on as was. The group sessions were valuable; there were a few tense moments, but I found them broadly helpful - the details of all this can wait for another time, but the point that I'm really trying to make is that, as a result of seeing a bit of success (and enjoying) group sessions and shares, I was keen to go to NA and AA meetings. These were special meetings that included external clean addicts coming to the centre, sharing, and trying to offer encouragement.

These meetings were where I was introduced to the concept of a Higher Power, and immediately I felt uncomfortable. I was also shown that recovery seemed to be a frozen state, with no end in sight. The idea of addiction as illness is one that I wasn't comfortable with, either.  My initial feelings were that NA required you to push the responsibility for your actions onto an illness, ascribe your success in overcoming addiction to a benevolent Higher Power and then spend the rest of your life frozen in recovery, aware at all times the cancer could return; also you need to take your metaphorical meds regularly at NA. I felt like a man with a hell of an illness being told I'd have to be on meds for life, and would only ever be a step from disaster.

I just don't buy the whole thing.

My drug using is my responsibilty, and my fault. Whatever problems I have had, I chose to use drugs. Sure, my crack addiction cost me everything pretty much,  and my actions were very much out of character, random and irrational, but it was my fault. I could've signed myself into a hospital, moved, done something, if I'd have cared enough about myself to want to. Addiction isn't an excuse for anything; I kind of buy that it's an illness, but not that it excuses our actions. I also like the idea of making amends as part of the cure, but I do not believe you need to attend NA for life, or even be an addict for life.

Despite this, I persevered. I "kept coming back" but gradually became more and more estranged from the group. It was dominated by the same old faces every week. It didn't feel a safe place to share or be anonymous or to avoid judgement - it felt hugely cliquey. It wasn't just me that felt this, but several other friends who are similar in age and lifestyle. It felt phoney, judgemental and patronising. The Big Book was patronising, new age babble; the steps were unclear, the structure was poor, the sponsors didn't take things clearly or elaborate how the steps worked. I felt those that were clean seemed smug about it, and worst of all, I think that spending a lot of time hearing the same old stories from the same old people who see a successful day as being one in which they didn't have a hit/boot/pipe, whatever, is not inspiring. It's  sad. A successful day to me involves work, success, being busy, seeing my family and friends and enjoying myself. Staying in thinking about gear, but not doing it, seems a fucking waste.

I left the group.

Maybe my negativity says more about me being paranoid, tetchy, resentful, than it does about NA, but I don't think so. I think it's a way for addicts to deflect responsibility, although NA preaches otherwise, and I think it ain't for me. If I want to be preached to, I'll go to Church.

*group hug*

A little thought for the afternoon

I'm sitting at my desk, catching sight of myself in the reflection from the screen. I don't really look like what I am. I'm smart, well presented and clean, but beneath the freshly pressed shirt my arms are bruised and stabbed and slightly swollen. The bags under my eyes are partly due to overwork, stress and pressure but are equally down to the hassle of leading two lives. It ain't easy being a full time husband and father, manager at work and keeping up a junk habit also. Last time the stress split me in two and I ended up homeless, familyless and in rehab. I manage things better now, and hide things better, but it's a stress I don't need.

I like my habit. I like being doped, I like the needle, although I'm really more of a booter (especially as I'm a clumsy bastard). I just know it's not sustainable, which worries me. My best friends are criminals, my car got flagged, I'm a Known Associate. I can't afford to get nicked, I'll lose everything, and I know my time is coming due. I don't want to stop what I do, I like the stress and the frantic activity (at the same time as I loathe it), but I know I shouldn't. In the meantime, I guess I'll keep on procrastinating, keep on going and hoping for the best.

I'm not a junky. I'm not desperate. In times of no money or  no gear, I'm on my MSTs for a few days, rattle a bit, then I'm fine. It's a dreadful feeling, and one I always strive to avoid, but as my habit is only about £30 a day, I can survive.

I don't thieve (although I buy stolen goods), I don't rob (but I sometimes profit when a friend robs), I don't cause trouble. I just mooch along doing what I do. I'm stable, I maintain, I produce, I'm reliable, I'm responsible. I don't get why I should feel like a criminal, or be looked at in the same way as some toothless, abcessed, scruffy, thieving, lying fool who's content to be at the bottom of the pile, with no self-respect, living on handouts and taking, but never giving to the world while talking about how things are gonna change, they're gonna sort themselves out, only score on a Friday, all that rubbish.

This sounds harsh and unfair, I know, but I'm a user, not a junky, and I hate to be aligned with the hopeless. I sympathise with them, I've visited that place, but I'm not one of them. Not these days.

A brief history of me.

It's always tricky starting any new form of writing; I've contributed loads of little jokey stories to web forums before, and collected them on livejournal but having read a lot of Shane's writing, and that of some other, more serious bloggers I've been motivated to get off my arse and maybe try and contribute something to the world out there.

My life isn't really that remarkable; stable family background, stable relationship, child, job, but I have a history of drug abuse, dealing, rehab and all the things that go along with it. I still have a habit, which I am happy with but have to hide, and want to stop for that reason (so maybe I'm not that happy with it, after all).

I'm still prone to feeling bleak, lethargic, apathetic and melancholy, although the majority of my time is spent exhausted but bouncing off the walls with ideas and energy. Thing is, I'm rarely clear headed for more than a day or so; I am an addict, although my dependency is more psyschological than physical, despite my use of gear most days. Well, every day I have money, or my friend has money. If I have a day off, or if I'm not busy, then I tend to be smashed an hour after waking. I'm fortunate to have work and a family as they keep me as straight as it is possible for me to be.

This is hopefully going to be a way for me to recount some of the things I've experienced, explore them properly with a bit of hindsight and, you never know, maybe I'll be interesting enough for one or two people to want to hear what I have to say.