Positive thinking and a happy life.

Over the last two or three days I've been having a bit of a rethink, and trying to work out where I stand on a lot of things, but most particularly on myself, my desires and my achievements and ambitions. This has been prompted by a two day sports psychology and motivational seminar.

I was expecting it to be a load of vacuous nonsense. Surprisingly, it wasn't, it was very interesting and thought provoking. The main thrusts were about looking at things positively, not using any negative language and also taking absolute responsibility for our own actions and decisions. Some of you may be familiar with NA, and notice one or two similarities. If so, you're quite right; there are many similarities between the NA creed and the psychological techniques we were shown last week.

As you'll know, I have a major downer on NA; the concept is great, but the people are generally losers, and although personal responsibility is preached, it seems to be devolved to a poorly defined higher power. Anyway, my intention isn't to rail against NA, or those that benefit from it, but to talk about the initial impact this training course has had on me.

In my initial post here, I mentioned that I had a tendency to melancholy, I've known I have many good things in my life, but they've never seemed to matter. I've never really appreciated what I have, but have bemoaned what I don't have, and have lingered on my mistakes and compounded them. Every problem I've ever had has been of my own making, and I am now of the opinion that I was never properly depressed (for a brief period 5 years back I was on anti-depressant meds) but merely wasn't dealing with my problems properly. I've never lived in the moment and savoured it, it's always been "what's next, what's next?"

I've always accepted responsibilty for my actions, but have seldom accepted responsibility that my choices are my own, and not made for me by others. It's changed my outlook over night, and I have a very positive  view on my future right now.

Work, and money, is mine for the taking. I could very well own an Alfa Brera by the end of October, outright own it, not on credit.

My home life can be tidied up, and I can have what I want, if I simply have the courage to make some difficult decisions.

Simply, my attitude and approach to things will determine it's outcome; if I look for the positives rather than dwelling on the negatives, life will be easier to manage and I will have a higher chance of getting the outcome I want.

And the effect of this on my habit? Well, I'm 48 and a half hours clean! I've had a couple of MSTs (less than half what I usually take daily for joint pain). I'm not desperate for a hit. I'm lucky - I use about 2-3 bags a day, when I have dough, and although I do rattle and cluck, though I do get the sweats and the tiredness and the inability to function properly, I'm never completely debilitated. I get through it. I'm not trying to clean up though, I just didn't have any time free, I was busy with my family all weekend (which is much more important). However, before I hit the gym tonight I shall be making a detour to see a friend (well, more some idiot kid that doesn't really know what he's doing), picking up some heroin and putting it into my new favourite vein. And I am visualising a lovely hit, so that, using my newly acquired positive thinking, is what I shall expect to have.

I can't wait.

EDIT: I sat down earlier. I was warm, and relaxed, with an edge of anticipation. I unwrapped the little black bomb and tipped half of it into a steri-spoon. Tearing open a sachet, I added as little citric as I could get away with, shook the spoon and created a nice powdery blend of yellow and brown. I took a moment to look at it, added some water, began to cook and savoured the moment as the scent worked it's way into my nostrils, just as the liquid would soon work it's way into my veins and my soul. I filtered, flicked and readied myself for what was to come.

It took a while to find a vein, mine aren't prominent. I tapped and pumped, eventually locating my new favourite entry spot. Bang. In first time. Plunger out a little more after loosening the torniquet, just to make certain I'm still in (I don't want to miss!), then shoot through nice and quick.

Lovely job.