Finally, I post...

It's been a while since I wrote anything; things have been hectic here and life has taken over a lot more of my time; although I've still had an opportunity to browse other blogs, I've had nowhere near the time necessary to even consider writing.

Even now, I'm lacking a bit in inspiration; times have been hard. I've gone from being on top of the world with sales coming out of my ears, to struggling. Work owe me money, I'm generally skint, my clutch and fly wheel are dying, my other car needs a service and the aircon fixing, I've had to pay for my summer holiday, I'm supposed to be out this weekend, I've two weekend breaks coming up, and whichever way I turn there's a load of bills piling up. My fuel bill alone is £600 a month, for both cars. Gear is also hugely expensive, and I've had to try and chop the habit down – I had some good scores in London at good prices (especially right now), but out in the sticks where I am, 3 hours from London, people are charging a tenner a point. It's good gear, I did .2 in a hit the other day and I keeled over, waking a bit later, really confused, with my head resting on my steering wheel, drof imprinted into my forehead.

I've also been unable to walk, limping around on crutches, bent over like an old man with the cares of the word on his shoulders. It's been agonising, and it seems not only do I have one chronic knee problem, but it may have been joined by arthritis. I'm 31, for fuck's sake. Using crutches is shit; both my wrists were shattered when I came off a bike a few years back, my wrists are weak and trying to hop about is not easy. I drive a manual too, so I've been having to lift my leg on and off the pedals. Changing gear and braking has hurt like hell, and rush hour was no fun. I'm looking at trading cars though, I had my eye on either an Audi RS4 or a BMW 318/525, but I may take the auto version just in case this happens again.

Work's been a nightmare; I pride myself on being Top Salesman. I've hit a wall; everything I touch is turning to shit. Things haven't been like this for 2 years – I'm having to dig deep and work harder than ever, but it's not happening for me right now. Things have to change, and quick, or I'll not be able to afford my family and habit together. Everything costs more now – fuel and food especially, and I don't want to have to economise there – it's not luxurious now. I'm tempted to do my usual trick of buying a load of gear and getting a mate to flog it for a 50/50 split, but it's dangerous territory. Selling drugs is much more addictive than using them, and it can take over your life. I already have two lives to live at once, never mind a third!

On the flipside, my homelife is really good right now, my son is really happy at school, my wife is in a good mood with me and there are no bruises or tracks that are hugely visible on my arms right now (I've been hitting veins cleanly for once, and have had a streak of luck registering immediately!), so I can wear t-shirts without drawing undue attention. I've also rented myself a  campervan for the summer so I can bum round Cornwall for a few weeks with my family, relaxing and doing fuck all. Where the hell I'm going to find privacy to have a hit though, I don't know. I never do it in front of my wife or son; it's my thing, my secret, and all the more satisfying for it.

Now I've broached the topic a bit, there have been a fair few interesting discussions about drug legalisation here in the UK; I know where I sit, and always have, drugs should be legal. We should not be putting one of the world's largest industries in the hands of criminals; we should not be rewarding lowlife kids for selling gear; they make a lot of money, tax-free, with no real effort. It encourages violence, and because so many thick kids are involved, there are silly incidents. It suggests that learning, education and hard work are not necessary, and it puts obscene amounts of money into the hands of crooks.

I think the drug trade is despicable. I think massive harm is done to addicts and users through unscrupulous suppliers. I think there is a lot of money wasted by the government and police chasing people that don't matter. We allow criminality by refusing to legislate.

Thing is, once I believed drugs should be legal for these reasons, and because I was a dealer, and because I took a lot of drugs.  Now I don't; I see things through jaundiced eyes; drugs, and all that goes with them, are seedy. They're slightly squalid, and I am not a big fan of them. I'm finding more and more that I don't really approve of drugs, and I don't like most addicts; none of my friends are junkies. Still, I'm often to be found tying off my arm and having a hit. Just another contradiction. I'm driven, and in sales, but I take downers when coke is the drug of choice of most of my colleagues. Maybe I'm just a weirdo.

Some of the best nights of my life have been on drugs. But they've also been with great people. Now I understand that it wasn't just the  drugs, it was the fact that I was young, excited and with a group of friends. My friends have scattered around the world, and times have changed. I am no longer carefree; I have responsibilities. I'd love not to have, but, although I say that, I don't believe it. My responsibilities keep me grounded, but rather than being a burden borne upon my shoulders, crushing me,  they're roots tied to my legs, giving me stability and strength.

I don't really take drugs, other than heroin, which I take daily (unless I'm broke, when I substitute MSTs to prevent withdrawal getting any sort of grip), and have done for a couple of years. I like heroin, and I hate withdrawal. My habit isn't awful, maybe .6g a day, but being starved of gear does hurt. 

Drugs are harmful, no question, but we should be free to do what we like with our bodies. We should pay tax on it, and we should not have to hide; we should be in the daylight. Most people aren't bad, and the chaos is a consequence of the illegality.

One of the guys who was keen to keep prohibition in place was a writer from the News of the World. He used all the cliches, most notably the concerns about children being exposed to drugs. Doesn't he understand that his children will be exposed to drugs anyway, but from a source dripping with a dubious glamour. The illegality is attractive, as is the culture surrounding it; it's a dangerous place to be a tourist though, and even more dangerous a world to be a fully committed part of.

I don't want my son exposed to drugs, but he will be. I can just advise him, and hope that he doesn't find the same attraction to the neon, the mess, the unpredictability, the dirt, the hookers, the dealer, the dancers, the pimps,  the bars and clubs, the same appeal in reflecting on life, walking home just before the dawn, seeking beauty in sodium lights and drizzle as I did. Imagine how legality and official recognition would remove some of this appeal.

Also - money! I paid £!4,000 tax last year. Imagine how much that could be reduced if we paid VAT on our gear. Also, lower court, police and prison costs. Win/Win!

There's also the humanitarian aspect – bringing us into the light can only help those who need and want help get it. Also, so many people won't be criminalised, robbed and ripped off.

One point the News of the World journalist raised was that of drug tourists – I'd never considered this, and still haven't really, but would it really matter?