A little thought for the afternoon

I'm sitting at my desk, catching sight of myself in the reflection from the screen. I don't really look like what I am. I'm smart, well presented and clean, but beneath the freshly pressed shirt my arms are bruised and stabbed and slightly swollen. The bags under my eyes are partly due to overwork, stress and pressure but are equally down to the hassle of leading two lives. It ain't easy being a full time husband and father, manager at work and keeping up a junk habit also. Last time the stress split me in two and I ended up homeless, familyless and in rehab. I manage things better now, and hide things better, but it's a stress I don't need.

I like my habit. I like being doped, I like the needle, although I'm really more of a booter (especially as I'm a clumsy bastard). I just know it's not sustainable, which worries me. My best friends are criminals, my car got flagged, I'm a Known Associate. I can't afford to get nicked, I'll lose everything, and I know my time is coming due. I don't want to stop what I do, I like the stress and the frantic activity (at the same time as I loathe it), but I know I shouldn't. In the meantime, I guess I'll keep on procrastinating, keep on going and hoping for the best.

I'm not a junky. I'm not desperate. In times of no money or  no gear, I'm on my MSTs for a few days, rattle a bit, then I'm fine. It's a dreadful feeling, and one I always strive to avoid, but as my habit is only about £30 a day, I can survive.

I don't thieve (although I buy stolen goods), I don't rob (but I sometimes profit when a friend robs), I don't cause trouble. I just mooch along doing what I do. I'm stable, I maintain, I produce, I'm reliable, I'm responsible. I don't get why I should feel like a criminal, or be looked at in the same way as some toothless, abcessed, scruffy, thieving, lying fool who's content to be at the bottom of the pile, with no self-respect, living on handouts and taking, but never giving to the world while talking about how things are gonna change, they're gonna sort themselves out, only score on a Friday, all that rubbish.

This sounds harsh and unfair, I know, but I'm a user, not a junky, and I hate to be aligned with the hopeless. I sympathise with them, I've visited that place, but I'm not one of them. Not these days.