Nuts and drugs

I follow a blog by a guy named Gledwood. I found it when searching for info about the recent UK heroin drought, followed the updates and then started to read his posts. I'd be lying if I said I thought he was a literary genius or a great writer, but his posts are compelling. They're very raw, and are completely unpolished. When I say that, all I mean is that there is no real self-censorship, he lays himself completely open and he documents a hellish situation.

He's clearly pretty bright, learning languages off his own bat, he writes pretty well, and what he provides is a stunning insight into mental illness, crossed with addiction. This honesty is incredible and it makes his posts things that contain a certain beauty. When I read his posts I just wonder how he copes at all and I want to offer some sort of tangible help, or reassurance would be a better way to describe.. Of course, I don't know him, he's not my friend, but I find that by reading about how he's suffering, it makes me want to reach out to him in some way (I guess this is maybe the initial concept of NA).

The reason I've brought him up and mentioned him here is to just mention how common dual-diagnosis is - addicts that are also mentally ill. I'm very lucky really in that I've never suffered anything worse than mild depression. My crack addiction began as two things - an extension of my pre-existing powdered coke habit and a way to self medicate and try to make myself feel better about myself. It didn't really work, in the long term.

The rehab I went to was a dual-diagnosis centre (The Diana, in Mundesley) and catered for those that had additional problems. Almost everybody in the centre (excluding me, and a couple of others) had a damaged history; parents that were alcoholic or drug addicts, abuse through neglect, physical and sexual abuse, violent partners, all sorts. Many of them had a very obvious reason for their mental problems and their addiction, a pain that is extremely hard to externalise or discuss, with the obvious consequences.

I'm an exception to this rule; I began using drugs like weed, speed and E to fit in, and because they broke down barriers between other people and I. I just went out of control; I have an idea why and I'm sure I'll explain it at some point. What I observed though, in rehab and on the street, from gutter to crackhouse to nightclub is that, although many addicts are just shitbags, many more never had a chance, or have arrived at rock bottom through just one or two bad choices. It's frightening to realise that your life; your possessions, clothes, cars, everything, are as fragile as jade and have little more substance than the smoke that curls from the foil.

What I'm trying to say though, is that many of these people that are criminalised and pushed to the margins of society without any of the help they need. I am a bit right wing in my attitude to behaviour, but I am torn between the way my instinct sees things (be strict!) and the way my head thinks, which is to ID those that need help early, and help them towards a life in which they don't have to fill themselves with drugs, put themselves at the mercy of criminals and in general have a life full of fear and pain. Many people just need to be heard, or to be given the correct diagnosis of their illness and treated correctly.

As Gledwood and Shane have said elsewhere, Mental Health nurses seem reluctant to address the underlying mental problems of those that are dual diagnosis, and even rehabs seem keen to make sure the addict suffers for their treatment.

I think we need a rethink maybe, and a bit more compassion and understanding for troubled youths, then maybe we could avoid a lot of the pain people have to put up with.

I believe this, but I am selfish, impatient and I'm not understanding or tolerant. Like so much else in me, with almost everything I think and feel, I have two people inside me fighting for supremacy and control of my actions.